Rent's Are Fighting

I'm not totally sure what to say. My parents are fighting again today. So my day has basically consisted of listening to country and doing my best to avoid both of them. Until my mother asked me to go to the store with her. 
I'll start with saying that I know I'm not totally skinny, but she doesn't need to point that fact out in the middle of the store. That's the kind of thing that makes me want to cut. Not like I'll say that to her. She probably just freak out and do her best to avoid me as much as possible. Then we got in a fight at the next store because I wasn't talking as much as she wanted me to. Only because I didn't want to piss her off anymore. 
Yeah, so country music is my new best friend:)
Love y'll...
Live long and love life my sparkly cupcake unicorns:)

Too Much

So I realized today, that I haven't told you about my fabulous adventure with my church people yet. 

It all started in sixth grade. That's when I met (for the sake of keeping their name's secret, we're going to call him Bob) Bob. It was at a lock in at church and it was the first time I met him. He was attractive, yes, but he also had a fabulous personality. He was funny and down to earth and just plain sweet. 

As the years went by, I started to see more and more of him and we started to get closet. Now, mind you that I've had feelings for him since the night I met him. 

Now fast forward to last Friday night. (I could break into song, but I'm trying to be serious) He was there, but also my best church friend, Kat (keeping her name secret). I told Kat that I have had a crush on Bob for three years, and she encouraged me to tell him so.

 So I put it off, and eventually told him how I felt about him. Then he followed by saying how if I had said something to him earlier, we might have had a very good chance of dating, since he felt that way about me as well. 

Yeah, so fast forward about 10 hours, and he's leaving and gives me a hug (make my insides smile) and leaves. 

Then that night, I'm texting him and Kat at the same time. After a while and a break in the conversation, he starts asking about her. Yeah, great. So I answer his questions, like a good friend, and give him her number when he asks for it. At the same time, I'm telling her all about it.

Me: So hes asking about u right now

Kat: whats he saying?

Me: he wants to know if you trust me and i told him that idk i believe u do

Kat: ok

Me: so i have a question for u. sister to sister. answer totally honestly, do u have a crush on bob?

Kat: yes i do. i realized it last night while we were playing ping pong together.

Me: ok

Kat: im sorry, u told me u liked him and so i didnt want to say anything

Me: its ok, hes still asking about u

Kat: whats he saying?

Me: he asked for your number

Kat: u can give it to him

And that's basically how the conversation went. Carried on with me not knowing if he texting her and then giving her his number and her and I didn't talk for the rest of the night. And we used to talk everyday, but now, we don't talk at all. Only because I don't want to get upset with her. Or even take the chance of her talking about him and me not wanting to hear about it. 

And the best part about this whole thing, is that I get to see them both tonight. Him first at Youth Group, then her later at Confirmation. And what makes this whole situation even better is that, last Friday, was the first time they met AND she had a boyfriend and still does.

Now that carries me over to my next big delema. Kat is kind of a player. She goes from guy to guy and breaks hearts along the way. And Bob is very fragile. I've come to realize this about him. He gets hurt easily. And he also likes long relationships, not short lived ones. 

So my question is: how to I express my worry and caution to him about her morals with guys, without making it seem like I'm trying to keep them away from each other? I really need to figure that out before tonight. 

Plus something else that I have to figure out, is how to talk to Bob. Let me explain. On Monday, I was talking to my friend Lily (hiding her real name) about this. And she decided to go and friend   Bob on Facebook. And I guess yesterday, he excepted. And they talked. Yeah, great. This is my understanding of how the conversation went:

Lily: Hey

Bob: do i know u?

Lily: yeah, im a friend of mikayla

Bob: oh hi, whats up.

Lily: i just wanted to tell u that it want cool of u to ask mikayla for another girl's number while u know mikayla likes u

Bob: i didnt think it would bother mikayla

Lily: yeah, shes pretty upset

Bob: oh

And that's where my understanding of my conversation ended. And last night on Facebook, Bob posted something about being very stressed. 

Last night:

Me: everything ok?

Bob: ya ill ttyl gonna finish up a show and go to bed

Me: alright

Today after hearing about Lily talking to Bob:

Me:What's going on?

Bob: what do u mean?

Me: on fb u said u were upset. U ok?

Bob: stressed very

Me: Wanna talk about it?

Bob: Tonight.

So now I have no idea what to go off of, or what to expect. Yeah, great. So I have to deal with two people, my feelings, and my problems. All of which, I don't want to do. So if anyone has a passport and one way ticket out of this place, let me know please. 

Um, so in other news. I got a hair cut!!! I'll post a picture when I get home so I don't look like a dork taking pictures of myself on my laptop in the middle of study hall. I am also wearing a skirt. And this NEVER happens. Like this is a big deal. I am also wearing make up. I haven't worn make up all week. So everyone's kind of freaking out. I'm not totally sure why, since I'm the one who got my hair cut, and is wearing make up and a skirt, and not them. But oh well. People can get excited over whatever people want to get excited over. 

Well that was a mouthful and plenty for you to read. And since I just spent 45 minutes talking about my love life, I should probably go. Like always

Live long and love life my sparkly cupcake unicorns:)

GPA

So I just did the math and figured out that I have a 1.5 GPA. That's not good. I'm seriously going to need to do some serious work to get that up. Not just because I need good grades, but also because I want to be drum major and having that low of a GPA isn't going to land me a spot or even a chance:( *tear*. Yeah so nothing much has really happened. I really wanna take a nap so I think I'm going to do that. Yeah, if anyone knows a good tutor, hit me up pleas. And my mouth itches.
Live long and love life my sparkly cupcake unicorns:)

Panda

Hey, so it's been a while. Yeah, I know, I didn't do the whole Friday thing. But oh well, hopefully this week I'll remember. So for a few updates: I made band three. It's actually a pretty big deal seeing as I'm only a sophomore. But unfortunately I'm going to be with Blake. He's been playing oboe for three years and he has an ucky plastic oboe. I have a feeling that just because of seniority he's going to get first chair, but I really don't want that to happen. I also got my major letter. I guess that's a big deal, too, but I'm not really sure. I don't understand what's so great about it, though. 
I almost cut yesterday. But I didn't. I went to my mommy and she helped me through it. Also, I saw the movie The Perks Of Being a Wallflower yesterday. It. Was. Fantastic! Loved it. 
Since I don't have much to say today instead of my normal closing thought, here is the substitute for the day...
Be aggressive! Passive aggressive!!!!:)

Not really sure what to title this....

Hi fraannnddss! How are you? I think I'm getting a cold. Or allergies. So I have a situation. There's this guy. Please don't get excited. I don't like him. But he does like me. And I'm not sure what to say to him. He sent me a text last hour that said "I have a huge crush on u and think you're the most beautiful girl around and I'd do anything to be with you. I want you in my life." What exactly do I say to that. Personally, I have no idea. I don't have those feelings for him.
Yeah, so anyway! I went to my brother's baseball game last night. They lost. 
I'm not really sure what to say right now. I'm really tired. So I think I might go and take a nap. Night sexuals, and always remember to....
Live long and love life my sparkly cupcake unicorns:)
#yawwnnnnn

My Butterflies

These are my butterflies. The one on my wrist is Deb and the one lower down on the long, red scar is Jack.:)

The Butterfly Project

Happy Wednesday everyone! So yesterday I learned about this really cool thing called the Butterfly Project. It's to help support people who do self harm and help them find their way back.
The idea is simple. The self-harmer simply draws a butterfly on their place(s) of self-harm and, if the butterfly fades without them self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving them a sense of achievement. Whereas if they do self-harm with the butterfly there; they will have to wash it off. If that does happen, they can start again by drawing a new one on. What I like to do, is name my  butterfly after someone I love, so I have a purpose and a legitimate reason not to do it. 
Something else you could do, is if someone you know self-harms, you can draw a butterfly on your arm or wrist for them in hope that they won't self-harm. I find this to be a very good way of stopping myself from wanting to cut, and actually have two butterflies right now. They're Deb and Jack. 
I guess since I'm on the subject of self-harm, maybe I'll tell you a little bit more about myself. Last December, I got really bad. I spent more time in my room than out of it, and was so depressed. I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to be alive. I started thinking about ways to do it, and just got to the point where I felt like I had something growing inside of me, so I cut to kill it, so it wouldn't kill me. It felt like my only release at the time. And I felt better every time after I did it. For some reason, I always had music playing when I did it. And I think it was actually like Pandora.  Yeah so now I look at my scars and remind myself that each and every scar has it's own story and the fact that they healed reminds me that things do get better. 
There are some days now where I just feel like staying home in my room all day and just sitting there. But I know if I do that, it will get to that point again of wanting to cut. And I might just do it too because that's what happened when I had my last relapse. So now I try to spend as much time as possible out of my room with my family or dogs, and just try to focus on the positive things in life. And I personally think that that's a lesson everyone should learn, that no matter how negative things seem, we need to find that positive light that is flickering somewhere. Because there is always hope in even the hopeless of situations. 
Wow. Deep. I know. But I think I'm gonna go:) love you guys
Live long and love life my sparkly cupcake unicorns:)